Desire’s Destruction, Deliverance, and Delight

"If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is not part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." -- C. S. Lewis “The Weight of Glory”


Noah Webster (the author of the dictionary) wrote, “We believe the Supreme Being created intelligent beings for some benevolent and glorious purpose, and if so, how glorious and benevolent must be his purpose in the plan of redemption!” He recognized that we as humanity are purposed for pleasure and glory at the core of who we are. We delight, and this is not a bad thing. Desires and longings for happiness are not wrong or abnormal. We were made for that very end. In fact, everything we do is motivated by the desire for happiness and the joy it provides. The French mathematician Pascal understood this well; “All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.” Pascal is saying that we all have a great void within us, a longing, which we seek to fill with whatever we think will make us happy. What men fill it with may differ, but the void is the greatest reality that we see in humanity. I believe that this void that has been created in us is boundless in scope… I am always filling it, but it is never full. I always want more. I stumble not only in the measure of my desire, but also in the object of my desire. I am a creature who is designed with a heart satisfied in nothing but the infinite, yet I seek to fill my pail with mud.

The soul feeds always, never full; on what, you ask, it feeds?
“What ere you give it,” Truth replies, “On this world or on Me.”
Two loves can no man satisfy, nor slave two masters serve;
A heart that beats to God and world, finds wrath of both incurred.

This is the tragedy of the fall. We were made with infinite desires and placed in a world that was infinitely satisfying, to walk and fellowship in the cool of day with the infinite God, and find in him all pleasure and all delight and all glory, forever. Instead, in a moment of weakness, we took our eyes off our treasure, and sought happiness apart from infinite God; placing our hope in the one thing that he forbad, and trusted in finite creation to satisfy our souls. Thus sin and death permeated all things, even our desires. The very nature of sin is a perversion; a depraved misplacement of our affections and desires. It is a lust; a grasping of a good and right longing, such as sex, food, wealth, authority, happiness, etc. and taking it out of the glorious context in which is was purposed, and not glorifying God through it. Oh how I fill my pail with rotting and dead things! Every action I take and motivation of my heart falls immeasurably far from the requirement of the Law: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and love my neighbor as myself. What remains but sin? It is a staggering thought. I may try to hide my sin with masks and ‘good’ deeds, but my heart is wretched. My fallen nature is a slave to sin.

So often, instead of driving me to my face before the cross, my guilt and shame drive me to try to improve my thoughts and actions. You cannot improve the dead, but oh how I try. I often first attempt to suppress and cage my desires, locking them deep inside a prison of willpower. This may work for a short time, but the walls are habitually paper thin, or I become complacent and the sweet whisper of pleasure from sin lulls me to unlock the door I swore never to open again. I let my guard down, and sin glides upward to choke and destroy me, even as it promises life and joy. Sin always matures in death, and when I see death consummated in the consequences of my actions and the desires of my heart, I try to tear and scrape away the scum and razor claws of the fiend lodged within my soul. I struggle and strive, biting and fighting the beast, and many times I succeed (at least I perceive that I have won) in disinterring the mess from my heart. But the problem is not the sin itself… it is my heart. The deepest roots of my heart are intimately entwined with sin, separating the two is to destroy the plant, it cannot be done. So like all weeds the sinful roots of my heart soon spring forth a thousand new fingers that seek to steal my life. And I despair. How many times do I have to wrestle with the same sin? How often do I have to battle conflicting desires in my soul? It is bitter bile, the anguish of hating sin, while at the same time fostering its growth in my heart. I allow sin to swallow me, even as I know the pain and suffering it breeds.

Intimacy with anyone seems completely lost and even vain as I see the darkness of my thoughts. All resistance to sin seems futile when you have no hope, and the heart ceases to even try to fight the beast. So again sin drives home to the mark, and again I fall, and despair, at the end of myself. It is here, when I am at my lowest that He finds me. He curls up next to my broken soul, and whispers the sweetest, most satisfying phrase the world has ever known, “This is what the LORD says: ‘In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, to say to the captives, “Come out,” and to those in darkness, “Be free!” They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.’” (Isaiah 49:8-10) My soul basks in the light of these words. I yield my flickering will to him, and I rest in his might alone.

I love the seeming paradoxes and the diverse excellencies within the nature of Jesus: God/man, strength/humility, justice/mercy, meekness/majesty, etc. But by far my favorite illustration of his diverse excellence is the image of the lion and the lamb. Christ is both the Lion of Judah, who upholds righteousness, and crushes his enemies in the dust, as well as the Lamb who was slain, through whom all enter into life, and through whose obedience grace flows in rich waves. These images blur into the full person of Christ. Who, through his perfectly righteous life, sacrificial death on the cross, and conquest of death in the resurrection, binds a sinner like me to himself with an unyielding love that transposes all his righteousness, inheritance, and life to me, completely restoring me to his glory. What an amazing work! That this Lamb of Judah (as I see him) would descend from the glorious intimacy of heaven, take on a weak human body, serve those who despised him, live the Law which I cannot even imagine the extent of, die in my stead, and transfer his worth to me, who squanders his Fathers inheritance at every chance. What love! I have nothing to boast in, save Christ. I was a filthy monster who is now accepted as son into the loving home of my Father.

In one of my favorite passages in Lewis’ ‘The Voyage of the Dawn Treader’, Eustace, a rotten, spoiled boy who only thinks of himself, slips away in order to avoid having to work. He stumbles upon a dragon’s treasure trove and being overtaken by his greed, stuffs his pockets full of treasure, and slips a gold bracelet up his arm. He falls asleep, happy that he now can pursue his own pleasures in this world. When he wakes up several hours later, he realizes that he has become a dragon. Being a monster, he recognizes how terrible his previous behavior has been, how he cared only for himself, and seeks to make amends by using his strength to help others. He feels good about his work, but is very much alone and fears that he will not be able to continue on with his companions. One night, as he is kept awake by the pain of the gold bracelet biting into his leg and wondering what will become of him, the lion Aslan comes to him bathed in light. Eustace is dreadfully afraid of the lion but cannot escape its gaze, and follows the lion to a pool of water, deep in the mountains. Seeing the clean water, Eustace realizes that if he were to bathe in the pool the pain from the bracelet might ease. But before he can enter the pool the lion tells him he must first undress. Eustace is confused at first, until he remembers that dragons are snake-like and snakes can shed their skins. So he begins to rip at his scales, pealing his skin off like a banana until it is lying next to him on the ground. It is a lovely feeling, and he starts to move toward the pool again until he realizes he has another skin, just as gnarled and ugly as the first. He rips off two more layers of scales and skin, but each time, a deeper layer is exposed and he knows that it is no good. Then Aslan approaches and tells Eustace that He must undress him. Eustace is afraid of his claws, but is so desperate that he lies back and braces for the lion’s paw…

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away… Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again.”

Jesus is the only one who can remove my depraved nature, and grant me a new life. He bathes me in the roaring torrent of his grace and not only washes me, but gives me a new heart, new affections, new eyes to behold and enjoy his righteousness. On the cross, in his last moments before death, Jesus cried out, “It is finished!” This is the reality that all history previous pointed toward, and all history since has attested. In Christ, God by his grace has manifested his glory in such a way as to redeem for himself a people. And that redemption is finished. Christ died once for all my sin. The third verse of ‘How Great Thou Art’ (probably my favorite hymn), attests to the wonders of this reality, “And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing; Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in; That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin. Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art!”

As I dwell on the love of Christ and the fact that the infinite God of the universe humbled himself and became like one of his creatures, to die for me and make me whole, I cannot but worship him. My soul finds satisfaction and rest in him, and I yearn to draw near to such love and power. And the amazing thing is… he lets me. Not only lets me, he draws me into his glory and riches so that all that is his is now mine. He fills the infinite void in my soul with himself, until I am overflowing. This is why the scriptures say that faith without works is dead. Justification is by faith alone, but not by a faith that is alone. True belief in the grace of Christ to sinners, necessarily produces works; the overflow of a soul united to Christ is not optional, it is the natural out workings of so much love poured into me that I cannot hold it all in. It slips through my fingers and exudes from every pore, drenching all with whom I come into contact, in the hope and joy flowing from that fountain of life. My desire finds its fill in him, and overflows in my love and delight.

It is easy at this point to simply shout, “Amen!” and leave feeling good and thinking about the joys of his glorious grace. And this is not wrong by any means, but I think a thought rises to the mind that must be addressed. Why don’t I live like this? If these truths are real and Christ has imputed to me his righteousness, then why do I love my sin? Most of the time I don’t even care about God or I actively oppose him. It is vital to realize that though Christ victoriously won the War on the cross, we are still engaged in battle. Though I am freed from my slavery to sin, and am now a prince of His kingdom, fallen nature is still alive, clinging desperately to the pleasures of sin; at every turn seeking to overpower the will and desires of my new heart… And so often it wins, crushing me with worry, fear, and apathy, until I lose sight of any hope at all. Left to my own means, I quickly fall again into the sin that beckons so seductively but turns to death in my mouth.

But I am not alone. In Christ I am united to his life and to his Spirit. The same Spirit that dwells within Christ and sustained him through his earthly trials is alive and active within me. It is the Spirit that keeps and grows me in the grace of Christ Jesus, and it is that Spirit who intercedes on my behalf, with groaning too deep for words, before the throne of God. He ordains means in my life: prayer, scripture, teaching, reproach, community, the fellowship of other believers, which draw my heart back to him. He frees my will to love; He gives me the ability and the desire to carry out his restorative work in creation. Jonathan Edwards dives into this seeming paradox that God produces all the work yet we are the ones at work, “In efficacious grace we are not merely passive, nor yet does God do some and we do the rest. But God does all, and we do all. God produces all, we act all. For that is what produces, viz. our own acts. God is the only proper author and fountain; we only are the proper actors. We are in different respects, wholly passive and wholly active.” It is a struggle to grapple with this idea of sanctification through the Spirit, but for myself, I know it produces at its core - hope.

Christ is at work within me. The same Spirit that saved me when I was dead in sin is leading me to glory. John Newton in ‘Amazing Grace’ put it so beautifully, “Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; ’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.” It is by grace that I am saved and by grace I am lead to my end delight. What hope! That I can have full assurance of my salvation, because all was placed upon Christ, and it does not depend on how well I perform, for he has taken the justice of God’s divine wrath upon himself, and still is here along side, guiding and persevering me to the end!

Only when I am freed from the curse of the law, can I truly find joy in pursuing it. When I am drawn back again to the glorious grace of Jesus, I delight in the righteousness of God. I pursue holiness not out of obligation, but because I get to pursue it. That becomes my heart’s desire and prayer. I can ask a good Father who loves to bless his children, and know that he will provide more than all I need. Martin Luther understood that our supplications will be granted in far greater abundance than we can ask or even imagine; “All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired, although not in the hour or in the measure, or the very thing which they ask. Yet they will obtain something greater and more glorious than they had dared to ask.” The answer to all our prayers is God himself. We should pray boldly knowing that our desires begin and end in him, and he will not disappoint.

We were created to find joy, rest, satisfaction, and delight in him, so bringing honor and praise to the glory of his name. We find that all desire is met in him. Even now we see dimly, and await the day when faith shall be sight and the infinitely satisfying God shall dwell among us, and have intimate fellowship with us, forever! That is our hope. That is the fuel that fans the engine of our battle with sin. True, often we will fail and fall and forget, but thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! He has won the victory and is enabling the eyes of our hearts to fix more often and with greater yearning on our Lord.

C.S. Lewis wraps up Eustace’s encounter with Aslan, and the impact it had on his affections with this final paragraph: “It would be nice, and fairly true, to say that "from that time forth Eustace was a different boy". To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy. He had relapses. There were still many days when he could be very tiresome. But most of those I shall not notice. The cure had begun.”

The following poem is the journey of my heart as I struggle and relapse in sins, lusts, and misplaced desires, yet discovering that freedom, joy, and satisfaction are found only in Him. My prayer is that through my ramblings the cure might be that much more realized in your life. Enjoy!


Desire’s Destruction, Deliverance, and Delight


Eyes dwell becoming lust rendering intrinsic beauty lost;
Objectified the tender heart is trampled through the mud.
Glorious desire dies defiled as patience broken yields,
Thoughts impure cloud conscience, and judgment falls overruled.

Love whispered future flower of patience nurtured grace,
A union of deep desire, satisfaction sweet the taste.
But callous heart with cravings rash tears at budding stem;
For fleeting gain and costs unseen, apathy will not condemn.

Mind hides itself in masks of good, but heart is black as night.
A whitewashed tomb appears so pure but swarms with deadly blight.
Intimacy is then extinguished by fear of being known;
Content to clutch at hobby sins leaves soul to die alone.

Yet desire met in self quick turns to ashes on the tongue;
Saltwater to the thirsty soul and vacuum to the lung.
Spirit longs for something more and hates the lusts of heart,
While fallen nature, slave to sin, tears righteous law apart.

Nature clings what spirit seeks to fling with all its might;
Battle rages mind and soul the slippery slope the fight.

Spirit cages to suppress poisoned fangs of sinful lust,
Yet lulled to free buy honeyed lips heart opens door in trust.
Lies so hoped in slither soul-ward, through chinks in armored mail,
And whisper sweet fulfilling as coils choke, restrict, ensnare.

Soul springs to life with fear and hate as seed matures in violent death,
Tearing ripping at the beast, exhuming ingrown vile breath.
With satisfaction casts aside parasite from bloody wound,
But like all weeds, sin’s roots go deep, and ere long fester if not pruned.

Heart screams in pain with all despair as soul is raped for thousandth time;
Mind in bondage, slave to sin, cries anguish of fatal crimes.
All hope of love seems lost and vain as thought exposes heart again;
A dog returning to his vomit with guilt and shame of sin.

Nature clenches for the kill, crushing resistance into dust.
Striving spirit at end of self cannot ward sin’s deadly thrust.
Yet even as soul lies dying, Truth whispers sweet refrain,
“I live and died for you my son to break your captive chains!”

Spirit yields what nature needs to wield control of fight;
Surrendering will and freeing soul to rest within His might.

He bounds to me with lion’s roar, the Lamb of Judah who was slain.
I cower in terror before His face, glory reveals my every stain.
I see my filth and seek to purge the monster from the man;
Ripping scales is pleasurable pain, yet deeper sin will there expand.

The growl is rich that stops my hand and I weep for I am lost.
Dead wretch I am who owns but naught and infinite is the cost.
Yet He pulls me close with unyielding love, I sink within His mane;
I smell Him, touch Him, hear and taste, our tears mingle, fall like rain.

He lifts his paw in love and power through which the worlds were made;
Down descending rending flesh, a heart piercing consuming blade.
Excruciating pain cleaves my soul, but blood that flows is not my own;
Fire from eternal fount scours all taint from hopeless bones.

Within the wellspring of His grace I am born again made new,
A clean heart beating within my frame, His holiness to pursue.
I rise, feel life within the vein, a prince in thought and youth,
And gaze upon His radiant light, resounding laughter deep in truth.

Spirit yearns what desire loves, to burn in glory’s blaze;
And in that fire be refined with joy till end of days.

Eyes dwell becoming love within the freedom of His grace,
Majesty my motivation, while I ever seek His face.
He restores to me a spirit pure, and arms me for the fight;
Desire finds its rest and fill, for He is my delight.

Yet the battle is not over, though the war itself is won,
Fallen nature still alive, opposed to glorious son.
Fear steals trust and apathy chokes when I wander from His throne;
Heart finds glory in itself, while joy is sought alone.

But Spirit dwells, my fount of life, to sustain in sovereign grace;
Ordaining means and freeing will to thrive in His embrace.
Intimate prayer, His Holy Word, the fellowship of sinner saints,
Grow and keep me in His fold, amazing love my sin’s restraint.

My passion for His glory is the purpose of my being;
The means and end entwined in Him, tree of life so rich and freeing.
Till one day then with victor’s crown and shout of acclamation,
I shall ever with Christ dwell, He my desire and elation.

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